For years now EI Cinema off-shoot Seduction Cinema has been cranking out a slew of softcore parodies and films starring a familiar batch of actresses (the most famous being Misty Mundae) and with the same group of directors.

Busy writer-director Tony Marsiglia takes the helms for this extremely loose reinterpretation of Bram Stoker's Dracula tale and he proceeds to run the source material into the ground (and below) as he's crafted a film so utterly devoid of plot (and sense) that plays out like a wannabe art house film only one that's loaded with tons of unerotic sex scenes, masturbation scenes (even going so far as having crotch shots!), and a cast that spends a good 80% of the film stark naked.

An attempt to explain the plot would probably be fruitless but it has something to do with a group of vampires, led by Dracula played by Darian Caine, who decide to target seemingly retarded Mundae (I say this because her character recites an annoying story about "Bat Bat" and has some sort of dumbfounded look/grin on her face the entire movie) and also try to draw in Shelly Jones. There's also what I assume is attempts at surrealness by having Julian Wells playing a completely male character (in dress, sex, and behaviour) while having her look obviously like a woman, but that doesn't work amongst the overlong lesbian scenes and various attempts at arty montages (see the girls make out in a coffin, look at Jones chase them with a big wooden stake, watch them drink blood!) - in fact nothing in this works.

This is one unwatchable time wrapped in a stale erotica package. And I know for a fact that erotica can work in a horror movie, just not this horror movie. This has got to be the worst movie of 2004, which is too bad because judging by prior Marsiglia movies (most notably Dr. Jekyll & Mistress Hyde) you can tell he could make a decent movie one day.

The two moments most of note here? The fact that Jones' character has her face "sat on" by a character played by the completely unattractive Casey Jones (her real life sister!) and the mindboggling first exchange between Caine and Mundae (where they talk nonsense and bring blood from a baby bottle).

Review based on director's cut.

Visit Seduction Cinema for more information and to order. (Chris Hartley, 1/13/05)

Directed By: Tony Marsiglia.
Written By: Tony Marsiglia.

Starring: Darian Caine, Misty Mundae, Julian Wells, Andrea Davis.

Picture Ratio: 1.85:1 Widescreen.

Picture Quality: The transfer here can be a bit fuzzy at times but it's pretty adequate and about on par with EI's other DVD's.

Extras: There's the standard trailer vault, a Misty Mundae interview (even she doesn't know what the movie is actually about!), a behind-the-scenes featurette, the short film "Insex" by Tim Friend (with it's own "behind-the-scenes"), and a commentary with Marsiglia and producer Michael Raso that completely avoids talking about how this thing makes no sense whatsoever.